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Monday, April 18, 2011

How to Create a Unique Vampire

By David

What can be more alluring than a bloodsucker that can jump really high? What can be more alluring than a dude who sleeps in coffins and can turn into a fruit-eating bat? What can be more alluring than a vampire who just, like, really really loves a girl who happens not to be a vampire?

Vampires sparkle. Vampires bite. Vampires whither in the sunlight. They kill. They suffer. They take pleasure in the misery of others. They’re either young or old or somewhere in between. Sometimes they’re white, sometimes they’re black. Whatever form they choose, there’s one thing for sure: they rule our commercial world. We love spending money on vampire merchandise, and vampires love how our cash is helping them live forever. 

But there’s a problem. Vampires are everywhere. There are way too many of them for any new interesting stories to come out. It's as if companies looked at Twilight and decided to create a damn factory that mass produces vampire scripts like they do iPhones.  

I’ve been reading this Vertigo graphic novel (written by Stephen King and Scott Snyder) titled American Vampire. In his intro blurb, Stephen King starts, Here’s what vampires shouldn’t be: pallid detectives who drink Bloody Marys and only work at night; lovelorn southern gentlemen; anorexic teenage girls; boy-toys with big dewy eyes.

How can you create a vampire that will stand out of the clutter? Here are some ideas for vampires that, to my knowledge, haven’t been overly used before in mainstream media:

Make the vampire really ugly in human form, but extremely good looking in evil/monster form.

Every time we see vampires shriek, they turn all ugly on us. I’m sick of shitting myself every time I see them do that. 

Next time, when the vampire gets hungry or angry, it can turn into an extremely good looking person with perfectly normal, non-threatening eyes. 

Make the vampire a homosexual.

No, not sexy, porno “lesbian” girls dancing together in a night club. I mean vampires who are genuinely into man-on-man action; I mean female lesbians who legitimately love other women outside of the camera and outside of drunken party dares. Make a vampire that’s genuinely gay. 

Make your vampire say no to drugs and alcohol.

And not just because drugs and alcohol are bad for vampires, but because your vampire believes it’s bad for EVERYONE. “No thanks, I’m having an orange juice tonight.”

Give the vampire a positive outlook on life. 

It’s as if vampires have never read The Secret before. Make a vampire who laughs and enjoys coffee with friends; a vampire who wakes up every evening, stretches and sings: I love myself, I love my friends, I love my family and I love this night – life is great! I’m getting laid tonight!

Make a vampire that gets beaten by a werewolf.

I feel sorry for Jacob. 

Make a vampire that will never win the girl. 

Vampires have always won the girl. They’ve enjoyed hundreds of years winning attractive women over, but still, they complain and look sad all the time. It’s time to make a vampire that isn’t seductive for once. Make a vampire lose a girl to a much better looking human – hands down. Make a vampire that texts but never gets a reply. Make a vampire who looks at a mirror and thinks: why do they see right through me? 

If the vampire is female, give her a moustache. 

There simply haven’t been enough female vampires with moustaches. I see human girls with moustaches all the time – why can’t female vampires grow moustaches? They’re old enough not to be insecure about it. 

Make your vampire fight aliens.

Enough said. 

Give the vampire a fake tan. 

A really obvious fake tan. And boob job. And nose job. And botox job. And lip job. And thigh job.

Make the vampire a talking robot dog from the past.

Yup. I’ve run out of ideas.

How about you? Do YOU have any unique vampire ideas? Feel free to send us some!

(All images in this post were not created by us - they were taken from the graphic novel American Vampire).



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