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Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Side Profile Club

By David

Women didn’t want us anymore so we started a side profile club. The rule was simple: always display the side profile of you face, and no other angle.

The movement started with simple Facebook profiles pics, but then it evolved into something else. Soon, men would only ever communicate with others with their side profile. It didn’t matter if you had to walk sideways – you were more handsome with your side profile. It didn’t matter if you could only ever speak to one person at once – you were more handsome with you side profile. It didn’t matter if you had to never face people ever again – you were more handsome with your side profile.

We became so good at only displaying our side profiles that we fooled women into believing we were all extremely good looking... until they saw us the next morning. This made women sad. “This isn’t fair,” my ex girlfriend said. “When you’re in public, everyone only sees your side profile, but when you’re with me, you’re so fucking lazy you show me your actual face. Why don’t you put effort into trying to please me anymore? Why don’t you men care?”

And so she beat me up and started a war. There were tanks and guns and men were shot in the street.  Men fought back by making women feel guilty about everything, like it was all their fault. We did this by not talking to them for days and making them jealous through Facebook (side profile) photos and status updates. In the end, the women apologised. They sent us the sweetest “I’m so sorry baby” text messages in the world. 

This made us happy until they started their own club, called the we get paid more than you club.  


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