David's Guide to Being Poor

By David


If you're like me, then you're probably poor. If you like to go out with your friends but are a little pissed off that they always have more money than you, then this post will definitely sort of help you out in a way (maybe).

I call it: David's Guide to Being Poor, or David's Guide to Being Cheap. With this guide you can be an underpaid bastard and still (possibly) probably look sort of okay to your friends on some days.


This is what you have to do:

• Get into telemarketing or pyramid schemes.

• Gamble your money and double, even triple it. I DO NOT RECOMMEND GAMBLING YOUR MONEY AND DOUBLING, EVEN TRIPLING IT.
  

• If you can’t afford the Internet, go to the nearest Apple store. The one in Sydney has free Internet.
  

• To watch free movies, watch free streaming movies online or download torrents. In Brisbane, the cheapest cinemas I’ve found are the Southbank Cineplex cinemas, which sell student tickets for around six dollars, and adults around eight. If you're a UQ student, the cinemas at Indooroopilly can be cheap, but if you're an adult, tickets will cost you around sixteen dollars, which is shit. Similarly, every good video store has cheap rentals every Tuesday.
  

• If you’re on a first date, and you’re embarrassed about the fact that you can only afford McDonald’s (happy meals at that), don’t be. Make it look romantic. Buy him/her McDonald’s drive-through, and then drive somewhere with a good scene like Mt.Coot-tha or near the Brisbane River like Kangaroo Point, where the two of you can sit, talk about life, eat your happy meals, and look at romantic scenery. And then, after your meal and after absorbing the good view and after a bit of cuddling, the two of you can go to the back seat and have thirty seconds of fun, and then a lifetime of regret, shame and disappointment.
  

• If you can’t afford a car, prepare a home cooked meal.

• If you can’t even afford a home cooked meal, invite your date out with your friends to a fancy café somewhere. And then talk to one of your friends in private and then do the ‘Oh I left my wallet at home’ trick, and then follow it up with, 'Can you pay for my date too?'

• Instead of buying McDonald's meals, buy the burger and the chips, and then ask for a cup of water. It's cheaper that way. For the price of a happy meal, you can also buy a medium cheeseburger meal.

• If you want to say a lot of things in your text messages but are too cheap to send two messages in a row, compress all your words together and don't use spaces. So it looks like this: CompressOlUrWrds2gethrNDntUseSpaces.

• Make a lot of friends. Friends can really come in handy.
  

• Don't buy new underwear. It's not like people can see them anyway, so just keep the same pair.

• Prank call your friends. If they know your trick, keep prank calling them until they give up and call you back.

• Can’t afford deodorant? Simple. In between your lectures, just go to the bathroom, wash your armpits with free soap, dry it under the free dryer, and you’re fresh and clean again (if you have a container with you, fill it up with the free soap so you can use it at home).

• Can’t afford toilet paper? Use the free napkins from McDonald’s.

• Can’t afford writing paper? Use the free napkins from McDonald’s.

• Want good deals at McDonald's? Work at McDonald's.
  

• Can’t afford a pen? Keep looking around the ground. There’s bound to be a free pen somewhere. Or ask your friends if you can borrow one, and then keep it forever.

• Can’t afford education? Just rock up to any lecture hall and attend the lectures. No one will notice you don’t belong there. Unless you look nuts.

• Can’t afford getting drunk? Buy cask wine (or ‘goon’) or one of those cheap champagne bottles for ten dollars or less. Goon will last you a long time, so what you do is you have a few mugs of it before you go out. If you’re a girl in a bar or club, you can usually score free drinks off desperate guys. Be careful about being slipped a roofie, though, unless that's the sort of thing you're into.
  

• Subscribe to the Borders mailing list (for Australians). They send out good discounts once in a while. Sometimes you can score 30-50% off book vouchers.
  

• If you want an even cheaper way to score alcohol, go to a petrol station. In Brisbane you can find petrol for around a dollar something per Litre. That's really cheap. So make sure you keep an empty cup or esky in your car whenever you're about to go clubbing. You can either drink or sniff the petrol. IT IS NOT SAFE TO DRINK OR SNIFF PETROL. I DO NOT RECOMMEND DRINKING OR SNIFFING PETROL.

• Sleep in your university campus to save on electricity bills- use their lights and computers and microwaves. If you get kicked out, sleep at your friends’ houses, and then take their toilet paper, and then try to sell that toilet paper.
  

• To make free international phone calls, use Skype or Windows Live Messenger or Google Talk for free web calls. You can even do video calls!
  

• Most importantly, if you want money, never, ever consider becoming a writer.
  

If you have any more suggestions or proven techniques, please feel free to add some more.

...........

And now a word from the bros:

We're building an awesome video game app, so we need cash bad! Please help this nutso project of ours come to life by making a small PayPal donation. With your donation, you'll be able to help us hire developers and put a bright new game into phones and tablets worldwide.

Tweet